Thursday, March 15, 2007
Current mood: restless
Category: Life
Saturday will be better, IT will be history then. One more day, or about 26 hours... but right now I just want to rage... drive too fast listen to hateful music too loud... show no regard for anyone.
I've held it together for 6 weeks, give or take a day. I thought I'd get this over with in December, I was ready to give up a trip, but noOoo it didn't happen. So I got my backbone up and ready for anything in December only to be put off for months. But now Friday I'm having surgery, outpatient, should be no big thing, just some girlie stuff. But occasionally leading up to this Friday I rage.
It doesn't make sense how does this all go on inside my head and seemingly all at once. I rage, I fear, I'm fine...
I tried to keep it to myself for the most part. I told a few friends, a few neighbors, a few girls at bowling, my hairdresser, a few family members, it only seemed right. Right?
My friends would hold me up and keep me steady at times (they may not of known it but they did.)
The neighbors, one ironically will be there with me what a coincidence - course she's in the same boat, another let her daughter spend time with me while she was on break (we had fun and time passed un-noticed except for all the fun we had.)
The girls at bowling - how could I not tell my team mates? I'll miss the last two days? (I didn't want to let anyone down but this is important.)
My hairdresser? Well things come out when you have tin foil all in your hair and an hour to kill.
My family, well yes of course I'd tell my family.
Did I mean to tell so many people? I don't think so. What was I thinking? Well at least the dogs' vet and the groomers don't know, neither does the lawn guy (at least I don't think I told him.)
So why the rage and the rant? I chose this right, so why am I whining? For goodness sake talk about the ultimate surrender of control. I'll be knocked out, once things start I won't have a single solitary say-so as to what happens, not one.
So it comes out, I am a closet control freak. Yes I've had my blatent control freak moments but I try to be easy going most of the time. I keep the freak at bay most of the time, or so I hope. If that last part illicits a round of laughter, do us both a favor keep that to yourself at least until Friday's over and I'm on a real good prescription. If I've actually done a decent job of hiding the freak don't worry it'll be back in the closet after Friday is history.
So it's after midnight (augh I hear a song in my head, it doesn't fit my mood, screaming inside) less than a day to go kind of sort of!?! The rage, the fear and yea what the heck I'm fine now.
"You know what fine stands for. Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional." Quoted from the Italian Job.
But No REALLLY I am Fine... as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary: very well, feel fine, b: all right, that's fine with me
So best wishes to you all, and see you later allig8tors.
Currently listening : Daughtry By Daughtry
